Excerpts from the Cardboard Notebook.

01/01/2011-----
I woke up thinking about the concept of "Negativity" - in my Psychology course, I'd learned that children will sometimes say "No", even to things they enjoy simply to feel as if they have a choice in the matter. I think that's why I'm cleaning everything today. My lazy ass has to feel as if I have some sort of mastery, and that's why I'm in this state of joyous negativism as I clean.
Words of encouragement from Ayn Rand today:
"Great men can't be ruled".
"The question isn't who's going to let me, but who's going to stop me."
"But I don't think of you."

A Letter to Matt Griffith: 01/05/2011 -----

Dear Matt,

Remember when you looked out at that classroom full of people I said were candidates for teen pregnancy and a career bagging my groceries? You almost cried as you said, "That was me a few years ago. How did I manage to grow past all that? It's a miracle I turned out the way I did". I'm a shameless romantic, and to be honest, I'd thought about asking you to kiss me right there, so that I would at least know what it's like. I worry for you - that's all I can say. I often wonder when you'll cross the line and say the wrong thing to some super-conservative fundamentalist and they'll raise a boot and kick you right off the path of your delightful career. I worry you'll get too comfortable, and maybe you already are. Be careful - if I am in fact the kissing material I'd like to think of myself as, Teacher, I'd have some sort of loving obligation to speak my concerns and not let my self wonder if you could be helped had I just said something.

01/09/2011 -----
I just bought this little girl in the hospital a box of chocolates. I lost ten bucks on it, but I've got the $430 I've still banked, so I don't feel too guilty about it. Aaron didn't like Nice Guy Eddie, and I guess that killed Reservoir Dogs for him; I was so disappointed. Damn it, Nice Guy, why'd you have to be so vain and cool?
Also, Mister Blonde.

01/13/2011 -----
The Snow has subsided a little, but today it was so cold that my mitts didn't save me from getting chilblains. I've got to call Aaron tonight - I didn't call last night. I've been thinking about Sparrow this morning, too. He's really grand, and it's been a month since we've spoken. Why doesn't he ever call? I'm getting kind of lonely.
What do you call Murasa dressed as a Miko?
A brine maiden.

01/14/2011 -----
I talked to Matt the Teacher again. He said something pretty profound: "I'm seeing a pattern with all the guys you like", he says. "Liam, Aaron, Sparrow - they've all got a thing in common, when you get frustrated. You."
He said that I'm the sort of person who wants to be needed. That I want to help people so much that they can't possibly get by without me. I want to be indebted to. He said I have to be careful about this, because I'll be "easily taken advantage of by people I want to bone".
Isn't everyone easily taken advantage of by people like that?
I guess I've always thought that compromise was one of the perks people get to hold over my nose when I'm attracted to them. Maybe we should all be more like Hank Rearden.

01/16/2011 -----
I went to a party today. I was really out of my element. Things like that have never been my forte, but I was the only guy who wasn't from a church who showed up to the shindig, and I think that meant a lot to the host. Listened to some DJ Anemone. I liked him a lot from when I used to play Armored Core. I had this nuke-laden bot with a sniper-rifle and the big nuke-apparatus had to be balanced out with heavy legs that made the whole thing look like an anemone, and that's what I named it for. I remember naming the pilot Scylla.

01/23/2011 -----
It's never dawned upon me how realistic Syracuse and Yonkers have become until today, when I began numbering out the scholarships I qualify for at Pace. I told Sparrow the evening prior to this, and everything had reached some degree of syzygy or parity or something. The stars have all aligned and all is well on Planet Zack. Attending Pace, which I believe is the only one in the Yonkers Area with Medical is expected to run me about $32,000; with the $27,000 discount I get on scholarships, though, I think I'll manage.

01/24/2011 -----
I can't wait to have a room-mate. Last night I made the grandest Ramen to ever grace a pot, but I didn't have anyone to share it with and it wound up just sitting there. Evaporating. All night. When I bunk-up, I can show off my affinity for breakfast, and my ramen won't go out like that. Maybe I'll hang around Sparrow, and we'll walk around telling medical stories to eachother, laughing about failed appendectomies and nobody will understand why it's so funny but us.

I confess that I often wonder what it'd have been like if I could have played Heroes of Newearth. I could join in as Gauntlet, or something.