Cactus Cooler.

This post is alternatively going to be known as

"In Which Zack Teaches the Joys of Discount Softdrinks"

So, right. Let's get down to it.

I don't know if you're all familiar with Dollar-Tree, but they're essentially the American equivalent of the English Poundland, made infamous by the lovely Stuart Ashens. They carry a cornucopia of dubious foodstuffs, such as Belly-Flops (Literally Jelly-Belly jellybeans that failed quality-checks.) and an assortment of useless tat, usually of a seasonal or impending-holiday flavor.

I've quickly become a regular customer at Dollar-Tree since my long-time Ichirin handle caused me to get more-involved with religion, ultimately culminating in me teaching Bible Study. You see, at Game Time, I do team-building exercises and indoor games with children. I work with two groups: TNT and Sparkies. Sparkies being largely Kindergarten and below, while TNT features preteens. With TNT, I can do games with rubber balls. They're usually pretty eager to play, so they pay attention, and their age means they're fairly agile. With Sparkies, however, they're young and have a tendency to not be as coordinated. If I use a rubber ball, I risk one of the kids hurling a dodgeball at a day-dreaming child and wrecking his teeth. So what I tend to do is go to Dollar-Tree and pick up some balloons, which I inflate and use in the place of balls for games with the younger children. This way, they've got a little extra time to react while the ball's in the air, and if someone rockets it at their face while they're spaced-out, they don't lose any teeth.

I ship-out fairly soon and I don't teach Bible Study for the next three weeks thanks to some Holiday events, so I'm actually thinking about picking up some dollar glowsticks while they're left-over from Halloween, and doing a in-the-dark toss relay when I finally return. I thought that'd be really neat and kind of let me go out with a bang. I don't know. I'll keep planning over these next three weeks.

I'm starting to wander from the point, though - being in Dollar-Tree a whole lot has given me the opportunity to sample some of their many dreaded comestibles. Namely some Spanish soft-drinks that were really, really BITCHIN'.

CURIOUSLY BITCHIN'.

In fact, short of the IMMENSE CALORIC CONTENT, better than an American beverage.

 First on the list is Jarritos. I'd hadn't had anything by Jarritos until I'd visited Emily, who likes to call Jarritos "Cactus Cooler," which I thought was really fascinating. (More on Emily in a bit!) Their softdrinks are usually cheap, right next to Topo Chico Mineral Water which is way, way more awesome, (as I am a huge fan of Mineral Water) and comes in a plethora of flavors, perhaps the most eye-catching being tamarind. I've always wanted to taste tamarind, which is a curious pod-fruit renown for its bittersweet taste, so when I saw it on the bottle, I jumped on the occasion. Jarritos tamarind soda tastes a lot like carbonated black tea - it's pleasant and odd, somewhat like the discontinued coffee-flavored Coca-Cola Blak. Perhaps my only criticism being the fact that it stays carbonated for the span of a particularly forceful sneeze.

You're probably familiar with Goya. Goya is a regular superpower. They're like Nestle in the sense that they make just about everything. Canned vegetables. Fruit. I remember seeing canned coconut juice by Goya when I was a poor child in Honolulu and presuming it was the sole thing they made. There's a few things you probably don't know about Goya, however. The first being what the hell Malta Goya is, and the second being that they make really, really delightful sodas.

Malta Goya was my introduction to Goya's line of softdrinks. Let me take a bit to explain what it is: Malta is essentially a very dark and non-alcoholic beer. It's thick and foamy, and tastes somewhat like fruitcake or bread. You can imbibe it a lot of different ways, but I tend to drink all whopping three-hundred calories of mine half-and-half with milk as breakfast. I'll warn you that malta's an acquired taste, like kefir or kvass, but if you care to look, you can sometimes find it for outrageously low prices - I'd always wondered what malta were, but I'd not figured to try it until I saw it going for thirty cents and thought, "Christ - how can I go wrong for this price?"

It doesn't stop there, though. Again, Goya's like Mexico's Nestle or something. And their sodas are amazing. I have a confession. I like ginger. (Again, more on Emily in a bit. Snrk, snrk.) I like it dried, I like it sugared, I like it raw, I like it as tea, and I am also particularly fond of ginger beer and redheads. Now, there's a lot of ginger beers on the market, especially here in New York where the Indie Society has sparked small brewing companies in Brooklyn eager to sell you the best six-dollar soda you'll ever have. I've had the privilege of trying one of these outrageously-overpriced beverages thanks to a family friend who gave me one out from a four-pack they had purchased after hearing that I tend to fashion bottlecaps into fashion-pins, and I can tell you that it doesn't hold a candle to Goya's. I've sampled many ginger beers, from Reed's, Boylan's, W, and even one British brand, Idris, that dared me to drink it as it claimed to be the hottest ginger beer on market. Ladies and Gentleman, nowhere will you find a ginger beer with more punch than Goya's. Sincerely. Take it from me.

Goya's comes cheap, at seventy-nine cents, and it hits like a truck. It has a smooth pour with a blazing punch that leaves your nose flaring, not unlike horseradish, wasabi, or actual ginger root. It leaves your stomach feeling hot and you feeling masculine. You'll want to lift weights, watch Clint Eastwood films, and eat ribs after downing it. Really, it just doesn't get more ginger than Goya's.

It's SPICY.

KNOCK YOU ON YOUR ASS SPICY.  

Seriously. If you're a ginger fan, get it.

Tell your friends.

If you're a fan of cocktails, slap it together with black rum and have a Dark 'n Stormy.

Goya's masterpieces don't stop there, though. For this next one, I have another rambling yarn to weave you. When I was a wee lad getting macked-on by pedophiles on the Canadian boarder, all the grocery stores were stocked by Kroger. Kroger filled them with generic softdrinks, none of which were impressive save for one. Red Cream Soda is quite possibly the most amazing thing that has ever existed in terms of flavor in the Soda Universe. I have no idea what fruit the Red from its name takes itself, but I can attest to the fact that the product itself tastes something like Twizzlers or Red Vines. Since moving from North Dakota, I've never been able to find anything like it, until yesterday, when I was shopping for baking goods.

Also on Goya's roster, next to amazing ginger beer, is a faintly-pink concoction of ambrosial constitution - sincerely, somewhere on the Nutritional Facts is probably listed, "Contains: the Tears of Saints, Theriac, and Azoth" - called Champagne Cola. It tastes just like my elusive Red Creme Soda. It's Godly.

It's amazing. Get it if you can. Get multiples.

It'll restore your faith in the softdrink world, and it'll do it for seventy-nine cents.

Dollar-Tree doesn't just feature delicious drinks for the adventurous customer, though. They also feature some snacks, too. Steering clear of anything bearing a likeness to an Ashens review will lead you right to Muncheros. I'm not going to lie - Muncheros can be sort of hit and miss. I've had their chili-lemon arare, and it was a tomato flavored rice-cracker around a peanut that burns your mouth after a little with a perfectly respectable chili after-taste. Not bad, but not good - I've had it once or twice more as lunch to fuel me on many a six-mile bike to and from the Gym.

Muncheros does has a product of note, though. Given that the best thing about their chili-lemon arare is the chili, you can assume that Muncheros does chilis well. Nowhere do they do chilis better than their chili mango. 

Muncheros chili mango isn't exceptionally generous with its portions, but its such a unique taste I tend to NOT GIVE A DAMN. Muncheros takes several cuts of dried mango, which is very sweet and delicious on its own, and covers it in powdered chili-pepper and cane sugar. It baits you in with its sugary outside only to burn your tongue. The chewiness of dried fruit means you have to chew, as well, spreading that HALF-HEAT, HALF-SWEET all over the INTERIOR OF YOUR FACE.

Dollar-Tree isn't always amazing, but I hope you'll give it a shot, sometime.

A lot of its products are legitimately pretty delicious if you'll give 'em a chance.

I don't think you'll regret it.

And if you do? You're only out seventy-five cents to a dollar.

Finally, 

IT'S EMILY'S BIRTHDAY TODAY!

Give Her a Shout, lads and lasses, and let her know you love her.

I told you I had more on ginger!